"I never wanted us to be, a superficial family, but in the end it was the only thing we could be..."
Ever really thought you were over something, and then all of the sudden, something happened, and you realized you really weren't over it at all, and wanted to slap yourself for holding on so tightly, for not being able to let go? Yeah. That's me right now. I'll just cling to things until they kill me, because, in this case, if I let go, I'm afraid it really would hurt someone, and I couldn't have that on my conscience. Something's been off with me for a long time now. People always are asking me if I'm OK, and I'm fine. But really, am I fine? I don't know. I will be fine, I know that. I will pull myself together. Just not until I figure out what's wrong, you know? Well, I figured out what's wrong, and it's nothing I can fix. So do you just deal and move on with life? Easier said than done, really. The dumbest part about the whole thing is that it makes me sick to be complaining about myself like this, when I know I'm just a whiny brat and that SO MANY people have it so much worse than I could ever imagine. But I guess everyone's problems have to matter, even if they are small. The problem is, I get this inferiority complex, and so I put off myself, and help other people first. I guess there's only so long you can keep doing that. But I KNOW I'll be alright. I don't know about other people, and I have to worry about them. It's just the time of the year. Everyone falls into tiny little pieces, and it's all I can do to hold myself together, but instead I help other people up. I feel like a self-pitying bastard, and I'm sorry. I just need to learn to let go a little bit. Once I do that, I should be OK, right? Anyway, soon baseball will be back, and I'll have my crutch back. Something to pour my heart and soul into. That's why I love baseball so much, you know. The boys of summer are my saviors, in a way. I can just watch and let everything go. I can forget everyone else's nightmares. I can forget the freshmen that all could have been nice kids, but all decided it was smarter to be drug addicts and get each other pregnant. I can forget all my sophomores who know they're ruining their lives and don't care. I can forget all the juniors who glide around like they own the world. I can forget all the seniors, who are either too rapped up in their grades or too high to care what goes on. I can forget all the adults who think they know everything, who think they know what we're thinking, just because they were teenagers once too. And I can forget all the little kids, poised to have their lives ruined at any moment. Innocent? I don't think so. Innocence doesn't exist anymore, in a world where we're bred to hate and kill. But once I forget all that, then I can focus on me. It's just so hard to forget it all when, with every motion, I see stupid, stupid people, giving up on everything they have ever believed, just because someone tells them to. I hate people like that, and yet, we're all like that, aren't we? You just don't see it when you do it. However, rest assured, we all do it. I'm just so filled with hate and resentment, and I am so blinded to any good in this world. But that's just how we're bred to be, isn't it? Malicious and pessimistic. I just need to let go, and I'll be OK.
Lately, I feel 
maggie - big-lauren - drea - the rabbit - nom - karin - katie - kitten-cat - priire - coru - menucca - sache - kirin - mara
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